Why we Hate Coons:
Disclaimer: Coon hunters for Christ is a fictional organization dedicated to the eradication of raccoons and raccoon-kin in the name of St. Elrod and for the Glory of God. CFC, Coon Hunters for Christ Logo, and all fictional characters and stories are the sole property of Marshall W. Crutchfield and Geoffrey M. Latham. © 2000. All rights reserved.
WHY? ... You want to know WHY we hate coons? Well, as if it wasn't obvious enough, I reckon I'll tell ye. Pull up some ground and have a seat, sonny Jim. Now let's see, where to begin..well, let's take a look at that infernal beast, the raccoon. The raccoon is a small wily, quick little rascal, like many of God's creatures, but unlike most of God's little children, the coon doesn't trust the lord. Ya see, all the other animals of nature have faith that God will provide clean, sanitary, safe food for them to consume, but not the coon.. Oh NO! No, He's got to WARSH his food in rivers and streams and what not. Damn infernal minions of hell, the have to "cleanse" their food of its God given nutrients and flavor in water, and what about those masks? Just what ELSE are they trying to hide?!
Another reason we hate raccoons ( and all of their spotty, ring-tailed, masked brethren) is because GOD commands us to. Macabese, Chapter 43, verse 12 states, "And then Jesus Spoke and said unto the Pharisee and the priests in the temple, "Keep thee from the path of the coon, for it is wicked. Let not thy soul be corrupted as the coons, nor the ring tail lemurs, nor the pandas, for it shall be a sin against God Almighty, and an abomination unto thy flesh.
St. Elrod and his Miracles -- Raccoons and their diabolical kin -- How to kill Coons -- How to spot a "Coon Sympathizer"