How To Spot a Coon Sympathizer

We who follow the teachings of Saint Elrod are few but those who sympathize with the evil coon are many. So, it is essential that we be able to recognize coon sympathizers and try and bring them back into the fold and show them the truth about the furry demon spawned bandits.

You might be a coon sympathizer if:

You have never heard of Saint Elrod or the Book of Macabees.

You have black furry rings on your butt.

You have an unnatural desire to dip everything you eat in water.

You are a member of "PETA."

You are a vegetarian (vegans are OK, however).

You feel unusually curious around garbage cans.

You think pandas and lemurs are "cute."

You want to save the rain forests.

You can't jump thirty feet straight up into the air from a sitting position. (He did Lept!)

You don't have an official sanctioned and appropriately blood stained staff of coon slaying.

You don't have a double breasted pin stripe suit made entirely of coon pelts.

You've never made a Holy pilgrimage to Madagascar.

You don't believe the teachings of "Ranger Rick" are Heresy.

You've never ripped the still beating heart of a great panda from its chest and held it aloft as a symbol of victory.

You didn't think our web page was funny.

You didn't sign our guestbook.

You are Paul Ellis (or some other God forsaken Nosferatu).

Your feet stink.

You don't love Jesus (and Saint Elrod)

You are opposed to the vicious and bloody annihilation of all raccoons, pandas, lemurs, and any their small furry critters related to them.

You drive a Volvo.

And Finally, You don't cry when someone mentions the Miracles of Elrod.

Home -- Why we Hate Coons -- St. Elrod and his Miracles -- Raccoons and their diabolical kin -- How To Kill a Coon

Disclaimer: Coon hunters for Christ is a fictional organization dedicated to the eradication of raccoons and raccoon-kin in the name of St. Elrod and for the Glory of God. CFC, Coon Hunters for Christ Logo, and all fictional characters and stories are the sole property of Marshall W. Crutchfield and Geoffrey M. Latham. © 2000. All rights reserved.