Raccoons and their Diabolical Kin:
Below are the words of Saint Elrod on Raccoons and their Diabolical kin, who include, but are not limited to the ring tailed Lemur of South America and the great Panda of Asia.
Come my children and all gather near
And I'll tell you a tale that you all need to hear.
In the garden of Eden , where all things began,
God created the plants and animals and Man.
But, one of the critters that our God did make
Was a furry raccoon that lived by a lake.
The raccoon and his kin, ring tailed lemurs and pandas,
Lived in harmony in a house with a gorgeous verandah.
But God decided that it would be great
For man to live in that house by the lake.
The coons and the people lived there together
And both had protection from all sorts of weather.
The humans did the gathering and prepared the meals
While the coons kept the place clean and that was their deal.
One day Adam was plucking some grapes
one fell to the floor, a simple mistake
He picked it up and without even thinking
He squashed it and juiced it in a glass made for drinking.
The Coons stood in horror of the sight they beheld.
Right from the ground where the tiny grape had felled.
They scrambled and grappled to get to the grape
And wash it in water before it was ate.
Adam said, "No. just trust in the Lord."
But the coons said the filth couldn't not be ignored.
They said that washing was the right thing to do
To protect them from harm and filthy floor goo.
Well Adam and the coons took their plight to God to have it resolved
And the wise creator made sure the problem was solved.
The coons should have trusted the Lord like Adam did
And he punished them and called them un-trusted
The coons did not take God's wrath lying down,
they tied on black masks and went underground,
Scrounging and stealing and washing all their food,
Did this the coons and all of their brood.
And so from that day in the garden of Eden
The coons have been evil and in need of a Beatin'!
...
St. Elrod and his Miracles -- Why we Hate Coons -- How to kill Coons -- How to spot a "Coon Sympathizer"
Disclaimer: Coon hunters for Christ is a fictional organization dedicated to the eradication of raccoons and raccoon-kin in the name of St. Elrod and for the Glory of God. CFC, Coon Hunters for Christ Logo, and all fictional characters and stories are the sole property of Marshall W. Crutchfield and Geoffrey M. Latham. © 2000. All rights reserved.