How To Kill A Coon

Coons (and their Diabolical kin) are some of the wiliest critters in ALL of creation, which means if you're not careful YOU'LL be the one swinging from a hook looking down at his disemboweled organs...

Now the first part of killin' coons is finding them. Coons are notorious for hanging around lakes and ponds and streams (any place where it is convenient for them to warsh their food)

Now many of you may be thinking that shooting coons is a simple and effective means of coon eradication, but this is not the case...

NO SIR!

You see the coons are masters of disguise and deception and often get away with feigning death, not to mention that because of their pact with the devil normal bullets have no affect on them. (Though silver, +1 or better, warded, or bullets blessed with True Faith cause aggravated wounds to coons and their kin)

Nope, When it comes to killin' coons there is only one true, effective, and accepted means of destruction and that is the method employed by our great Patron Saint Elrod in the book of Macabees....

Step one: Once the coon is spotted it is important to try and retain the element of surprise by LEAPING twenty or so feet straight up into the air.

Step two: Once thou has lept, thou shalt invoke the name of the Lord thy Gawd by wildly SCREAMING, "I rebuke thee, coon, in the name of Jesus and Saint Elrod!!!!" (it also helps to flail your limbs wildly and slobber a little. This instills a Holy terror in the coon's BLACK heart.

Step three: While the coon is shocked and paralyzed by the power of your faith, take you carefully crafted coon killin' staff and THWAK him mightily on the skull right between the eyes. Usually this is sufficient to kill most normal coons, but occasionally additional "thwaks" are required. After the vile beast is dead, skin him, discard his organs, and roast his flesh over a pit fire as both a burnt offering to the lord as well as a tasty after massacre snack.

So remember kiddies when going to kill coons, to do it the Saint Elrod way...LEAP, SCREAM, THWAK!!!

Home -- Why we Hate Coons -- St. Elrod and his Miracles -- Raccoons and their diabolical kin -- How to spot a "Coon Sympathizer"

Disclaimer: Coon hunters for Christ is a fictional organization dedicated to the eradication of raccoons and raccoon-kin in the name of St. Elrod and for the Glory of God. CFC, Coon Hunters for Christ Logo, and all fictional characters and stories are the sole property of Marshall W. Crutchfield and Geoffrey M. Latham. © 2000. All rights reserved.