WHO? ...
You want to know WHO Saint Elrod is? Well, heathen, Saint Elrod is the Patron Saint of Coon hunters for Christ. Born in what is present day Beulah, Mississippi, Saint Elrod dedicated his life to the service of our Savior and the eradication of coons and all their evils.
Saint Elrod is known for 3 miraculous things. The first was driving all the raccoons from Madagascar. Madagascar, an island off of the eastern coast of Africa, was overridden with coons, lemurs, ferrets and even pandas, until Saint Elrod, by the grace of GAWD, marched over all the land rebuking the devil's furry minions and drove them all into the sea to an appropriate watery grave!
The second Miracle of Saint Elrod was a gift from the Lord, given to Saint Elrod by The Apostle Jimbo (a lesser known apostle). Jimbo gave Saint Elrod a 6-foot long 2-inch diameter staff of golden bronze wood, which was blessed by Gawd so that it could never be broken. Saint Elrod used this staff in his travels to strike raccoons and their vile kin down and cast their diabolical carcasses from the path of righteousness.
The third great miracle associated with Saint Elrod happened on his way to the Orient. When Saint Elrod left Jerusalem on his great quest to kill Ling-Ling, mightiest of the demon spawn pandas, and to drive all panda kind out of China, he was struck blind on the road to the Orient and was spoken to in a loud voice by the angel of the Lord known as Cleofus. (The same Cleofus mentioned in the book of Maccabees, who's playing of the contrabassoon would signal the triumphant return of Jesus to Inverness) Cleofus laid his hand upon Saint Elrod and removed his blindness and imparted Saint Elrod with the ability to miraculously leap incredible distances.
With his new ability to jump farther than any human before or since, Elrod was charged by Cleofus to use his new physical ability to leap to the protection of the weak and innocent from the evils of the coon and to always speed himself to the destruction of the infernal beasts.
Upon finally encountering Ling-Ling upon the banks of the yellow river, Saint Elrod used his incredible ability to jump to leap across the river and save a poor Chinese family from the clutches of the mighty arch-panda. Seeing the innocent safe Saint Elrod leaped back to dispatch with the black and white furry monstrosity and just as his staff struck the mighty demon possessed panda, Saint Elrod lost his footing and fell into the river and was swept away.
His staff was collected by Shaolin monks and was placed in a shrine to the noble saint HIGH in the Himalayas to serve as a reminder of the great saint until another warrior of coons was to come and reclaim it by sacrificing the pelts of 1001 raccoons at the altar, and thusly assuming the staff and abilities of Saint Elrod
